I am about to see some of my best friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. At least 2 years, for some as long as 5 years or more. I am beyond excited–these are the types of friends who are truly FAMILY, you know? The ones where if I called and simply said, “I need you,” they’d say without hesitating, “I’m on my way.” Those friends where when I first see them I instantly start crying (I’m a crier), and hug them every 5 minutes. Those friends where when you are with them, no matter how much time has past, you pick up right where you left off.
The thing is…I’ve gained weight since I saw them. Enough where I literally sat down the other day and wrote out an email that I nearly sent to them, APOLOGIZING for the weight gain. Apologizing and warning them that…I don’t know…I’m not…MYSELF. Giving them the heads up that the past few years have presented significant challenges, it’s been hard, I’ve been busy, I’m getting older…excuse after excuse, literally apologizing that they’ll have to witness it.
I realize how effed up this is…truly, I do. And some of you understand that even just this realization represents progress in my very long struggle with self-image issues and body image distortion. But it’s still really screwed up.
These people are the most forgiving, the most accepting, the most understanding of anyone in my world besides my family. Hell, they *are* part of my family. They are also parents, they have witnessed our challenges, some of them have also gained weight. But for whatever screwed up reason, I feel the need to apologize for it.
This post does not have the sentimental, enlightening, or empowering “twist” at the end where I mention the messed up world view and then share the plucky way I overcame it, and how you should, too…sorry. All I have at this point is the ability to say, “THIS IS WHERE I AM. I recognize it’s effed up. That’s something.”
And a promise that I’m still working on it. And that’s what this blog is about, after all…I understand logically that it’s screwed up, that I’m not this horrible disgusting beast of a woman, but that head knowledge gets short-circuited on the way to my heart.
I am not looking for compliments, just being honest. That’s all I can muster. Sorry, friends.